


fake it until you break

by thotline



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, I am crying as I write this, M/M, Not a Crossover, Oma Kokichi Needs a Hug, Oops, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poetry, Self-Harm, Tags May Change, characters will be added or removed maybe idk, chiaki and hajime are best friends ok im sorry, idk if theres anything else, im just sad and i dont want to annoy my friends so, im literally venting, no beta we die like men, not really - Freeform, shuichi understands
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 2,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24384925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thotline/pseuds/thotline
Summary: not a crossover. every chapter is different and nothing connects. im literally crying and need to vent. more fandoms may make an appearance idk.  also some chapters might be in caps lock some others might not. its all poetry.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime & Nanami Chiaki, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 12
Kudos: 62





	1. dont sin.

YOU’RE PROBABLY SLEEPING RIGHT NOW BUT I NEED TO CHAT. 

I DREAMED ABOUT SINNING AGAIN. IT TERRIFIES ME EVEN TO THINK I COULD. BUT I COULD SO EASILY, CHIAKI. ANYONE CAN. SO EASILY. IT IS AMAZING THAT THERE ARE SO MANY HOLY PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH. 

/

IF YOU EVER WANT TO KISS SOMEONE, I HAVE A GOOD, CLEAN LIST OF PEOPLE. HUMANS TASTE NICE SO LONG AS YOU DON’T FORGET YOURSELF. 

/

I MISS MY WINGS.

/

ME TOO, BROTHER, ME TOO.


	2. that seems an awful lot like love.

you love him, hajime?

he’s a boy. 

it’s not allowed. 

but, i do like him.

that’s allowed. 

it is.

he’s handsome.

he’s so handsome it makes my bones ache.

with want?

that’s not appropriate.

but

the other day he smiled at me and

i think i stopped breathing.

i think he broke me a little.

he causes you so much pain?

my chest aches around him.

i feel like i'm swallowing dying stars.

maybe you should like him less.

yes. that would be the sensible thing to do.

and yet

and yet?

it feels like i could bear the pain.

over and over.

every second i'm with him, i can bear the pain.

every second i'm with him, it hurts less.

that sounds an awful lot like love.

it could be.

you're not scared anymore?

he makes me brave.


	3. forgive me, father.

**[JOURNAL ENTRY; NAGITO KOMAEDA; 4:28 AM; JANUARY 1ST, 2020]**

forgive me, father, for i have

dreamed

tonight.

in my dream i took the boy 

into my mouth & his skin

was warm. not like a viper lying

by the river, but like the arrow

right after

you let go.

i had his heart in my mouth,

tasted the wet arteries, 

the sinewy red muscles, 

the sharpness of his blood.

i can't stop dreaming.

about devouring him, father.

i never even touched him

outside my head, so how is it

we can still be homesick for this

feeling we don't

yet know?

i want a life without fangs

or claws. if this is love, make it

song-soft, make it a valley full

of sparrow feathers, or else

some 

place

where we can hollow ourselves in 

poisonous 

light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u catch the 2 things i put at the beginning then (;


	4. someone before the fall.

he was someone

_ before _

the fall.

the legends forgot he was made of

flesh and blood.

made of-

crooked grins,

careful hands,

eyes the color of dawn.

the legends forgot shuichi saihara was 

_ brilliant _

like his father.

it is sad

no one cares.


	5. why hasnt it hit me.

**[JOURNAL ENTRY; KOKICHI OUMA; 6:21 PM; SEPTEMBER 7TH, 2020]**

i’ve been swallowing cigarettes with coffee for breakfast

and i can’t remember the last time someone told me they loved me.

i went from humming in the shower to crouching on the tiled floor heaving my lungs out

not knowing where my tears began and the water ended.

i always say goodbye to my loved ones as if that’s the last time i’m gonna see them

because

i forget to look either ways before crossing the road nowadays and

find myself almost wishing to never make it to my destination

while i’m inside a car or a plane.

i read somewhere that “you never know when the bus is coming”

so i think since then a part of me has been living in a way

as if i’m always expecting for the bus to hit

some days it’s

‘i better do everything that makes me happy and

tell everyone i love them before it hits me’

but

more often than not

it’s

‘why hasn’t it hit me yet.'


	6. tragedy.

**trag·e·dy**

_/ˈtrajədē/_

_ noun _

  1. let's take off the masks. give me good lighting and warm hands, 



outline of a lily-freckled hillscape, some soft place where i can bury 

my heart instead.

  1. yes, there is blood, the earth split open, our grecian souls pressing



hard against our ribcages to escape the tides and tides of thunder

inside us. yes, there is thunder outside us. but so too is there

laughter, songs, poetry. we declare out beautiful names, we shout

our strong promises, we make loud declarations of our passions.

  1. we’re not made for weeping. love endures more than the augury, 



more than the bones, more than the catastrophes too. 


	7. /

**[JOURNAL ENTRY; SHUICHI SAIHARA; 1:46 AM; FEBRUARY 27TH, 2020]**

WHO HURTS A KID LIKE THAT?

I COULDN’T STOP CRYING!  
I WAS SO AFRAID!

**_/_ **

THERE ARE DAYS WHERE I CAN’T STOP HEARING MY MISTAKES-

OVER AND

OVER AND

OVER.

**_/_ **

YOU DRAINED ME OF MY IDENTITY.

AND INJECTED SELF DOUBT INTO MY VEINS.

LEFT ME TO QUESTION MY SANITY.

WALKING AROUND AIMLESSLY,

AT WAR WITH MY OWN BODY EVERY DAY.

TRYING TO SCRUB YOUR HEAVY WORDS OFF MY BODY,

MY MENTAL STATE HAS BEEN SHAKEN TO ITS CORE.

I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. 

_**/** _

YOU’LL BE JUST LIKE YOUR F̴̫̪̈̅̈́̕Ą̸̛̛̀͜͝ͅT̷̮̩͈Ḩ̷̳̟͉̽̿͜E̸͎̺̗̍̉̈R̷̻̎͐̈́͆ 

F̴̫̪̈̅̈́̕Ą̸̛̛̀͜͝ͅT̷̮̩͈Ḩ̷̳̟͉̽̿͜E̸͎̺̗̍̉̈R̷̻̎͐̈́͆ 

F̴̫̪̈̅̈́̕Ą̸̛̛̀͜͝ͅT̷̮̩͈Ḩ̷̳̟͉̽̿͜E̸͎̺̗̍̉̈R̷̻̎͐̈́͆ 

F̴̫̪̈̅̈́̕Ą̸̛̛̀͜͝ͅT̷̮̩͈Ḩ̷̳̟͉̽̿͜E̸͎̺̗̍̉̈R̷̻̎͐̈́͆ 

_**/** _

I REALLY HAD NO IDEA.

YOU JUST NEEDED ONE OPPORTUNITY TO DESTROY ME.

_**/** _

get out of my head.

get out.

get out.

get out!

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

GET OUT OF ME!

_**/** _

WHY WON’T YOU JUST ADMIT YOU HATE ME

WHY WON’T YOU JUST ADMIT YOU HATE ME

WHY WON’T YOU JUST ADMIT YOU HATE ME

WHY WON’T YOU JUST ADMIT YOU HATE ME

WHY WON’T YOU JUST ADMIT YOU HATE ME

W̸̧̢̜͖͉̬͕̹̃̓͆̇̀̀̈̈̈́͆̓̎̍Ḩ̷̛̛̳̳͖̟̞̞̯͎̺̋̒̽̈͊͂̒̾͐̈́͝Y̸̭̮͎̥̳̬̬̲͎͓͍̰̙͖̅̽͗̍́͋̽͜ ̵͈͇̯̥̼͉̭̤̮̭̦͇̄̋̆̓͑̈́͛͐̂͐͂̀̎̕͠ͅͅW̷̢̛͙͙͕̞͔̙͖͖̆͐͗̊̽̆̇̀̈̂̈́̋O̵̢͚̬̓͐̔͂̿̆̎͗͆͂̿̌̚̚͝N̸̺͈̓̔͗̋͛̏͒͂̕͜͠͠͝͝’̶̞͕̹̯̦̞͈̳͇̠̙̩̓́̃̑̈̐͊̾̇̄͊̈́͘͝Ț̷̜͎̱̭̽̋̽̿͋̌̐̏̇͒̄͂̃͝ ̴̨̹̟́̋̏͝Y̷̧̻̙̩͍̦͍͍̥̰̗͚͊͌͗̒̏̎͘̚͜ͅO̸͆́͐͑̇̐̏͂̎̋͊͘͜U̷̢̮̞̹̖̝͎̙̹͓̬̗̒͛͐̄͜ͅ ̷̟̰͎̃̑̅͛̄̉̿͛̅̈͝͠J̷̨̨̩͙̠͔͎̠̳͍̮͌͋͐̕̚Ŭ̷̝̀̏̌͌̆Ş̷̠̦̥̥͚̘̈́̈́̚͠ͅT̸̛̬̣̹̤̫̣͈̓̋̉̋̽̚͘ ̴̺̑̈́̅͒̿̓̀̈̉͋̾̀̽̃̓A̶̡̗͑́͋̇͛͗͗͝D̷̨̳̻̯̮̝͎̭̆̒͋̽̊͊͛͆̽̾̕͘͘M̶̖̝͈͈̝͚̀I̴̢̬̅͌͋͗̊̉T̶̡͖̣̖̹͚̱̲̜͕̮͎̱̅͌̏̀̽͆̋̉̿ͅ ̴̨͍͖̜̤̻̒̐̓̀̽͌͂͒̐̈́͜Ȳ̵̡̧̬̦̪̳̺̠̹̲̱̗̃͊̃̌͠Ó̴̧̦͖̭̰̎̈́͜͝U̴̯̖̪̘͚̲̺͑̆̿͘ ̸̢͎̠̞̙͇̜͕͈̬̖̖̺̎̌̉̂̅̔͘͘͝ͅH̷̨̯̯̙̖̘̟͚͈̤̠̻͝Ä̶̛͕̜̫̦́͗̆̌̅̎̕̕̕͘T̵̛͕̟̱̑̾̓̓̇͒̄̽̈̇̇͝ͅḜ̴̝͈̺̣̱̼͍̺̅̾̂̈́̔͑͜ ̷̢̛̯̺̘̭͚̆͋̊̐̄͐͐̑̀̒̕͠ͅM̴͚̌̌̇͊͝Ě̷̢̝̘̟͙̯̩̖͉̳̀̑̿̽͘

_**/** _

MY MEMORIES WON’T LET ME GO.

there’s NO ESCAPE!

_**/** _

“but it made you stronger”

i was a child. 

i didn’t need to be stronger.

i needed to be safe.

_**/** _


	8. heart and love.

i wish i could be honest with you.

i wish i could tell you how it rips my heart apart

when you ignore me. 

but i won’t.

i’ll stay silent and let you want to talk to me on your own free will.

being in love with you

is undeniably breaking my heart. 

and, for you, i’d break my own heart and use those pieces to fix yours.


	9. nail beds.

_four things you should know about me._

by: nagito komaeda

  
  


**one**.

i keep my ringer on when i sleep. just in case.

**two**.

though i’ll never admit it, i love the feeling of a hug.

**three**.

i’m a hopeless romantic.

**four**.

i pick around and chew my nails when i get nervous.

**four**.

you make me nervous.

**four**.

you’re bad for my nail beds.


	10. the world.

i was created

to _strip lungs_

_ of their breath _

to destroy pretty things

& burn them to the ground

_ to bring the world to its knees _

_ and hear my name spoken _

_**only** in fearful whispers _

**i was made to be a monster.**


	11. you love him.

“you love him, don’t you?” she asked, fingers on a paused handheld game device.

“what do you mean,” the boy across from her asked, fingers on a still opened book, “i love my parents, i don’t know about anyone else.” he closed the book all the way and looked at her. she breathed out slowly as if mentally preparing herself for something unbeknownst to the other. “him and his long, pale fingers tangled in your hair, running down your spine. his lips on your neck, jaw, and chin.” she breathed in and moved her bangs from her face.

“i know you do. we’ve been best friends for god knows how many years. i know the look on your face when he comes in the room.” the boy could only stare at her, “it’s okay.” she continued, “and in empty halls with him, the lines of religion blur and turn and shift. and all you do is sin.” 

she unpaused her game on the handheld and all the boy could do was stare at her with the still shut book in his hands. 


	12. gentle.

my eyes drifted up to his and it was over.

his lips caught mine in a hard kiss, driving them apart

with the force of it. there was nothing gentle about it. i felt

the door shake and rattle against my back as he shifted, pressing me

against it, taking my face in his hands. every thought

in my head exploded to a pure, pounding white, and i felt

the dark curl of desire begin to twist inside me, bending all 

my rules, and snapping the last little bit of my restraint. i 

tried one last time to pull away.

“no,” he said, bringing my lips back to his. it was

just like it had been before- i slid my hands under his 

jacket to press him closer. the low groan at the back of his

throat, a small, pleading noise, that set every inch of my skin on fire.


	13. update !!!

sorry to anyone who was excited for this to get an update tonight and im sorry i didnt get one out last night. im currently in and out of the ER and might be admitted to the actual hospital. i will get updates flowing back out asap and until then, take care.

i love you all. dont be afraid to comment and i will give you my discord if you need anything. <3


	14. komaeda.

yall are gonna hate me since this isnt an update either but i made a nagito drawing i hope u all enjoy <3


	15. hajime.

“say my name,” i told him.

“why?” he asks.

“just do it. please,” i reply, gripping onto his jacket just a little tighter.

then he spoke the hopeless 6 lettered name and, from that moment, i knew,

nothing was the same. nothing was going to be the same again. 

there was no joy in his voice.

no happy memories.

not a single bit of care.

i let go of his jacket and walked away.

never did i write my name the same way.

/

you love him, 

you do, 

and here’s the miracle:

he loves you too. 

you are allowed to

lick the color from his lips,

to listen to the hymns in his pulse,

to bask in the warmth of his voice.

you are allowed to have him.

you love each other,

you do,

but here’s the tragedy:

it isn’t enough.

you are allowed to

watch the sun swallow him up whole and burn him up,

to stain your fingers to the bone holding him together,

to count the constellations in his eyes as he blinks.

you are not allowed to save him.

/

nagito komaeda, you are the biggest paradox i’ve ever known. 

you’re insecure in everything you do,

yet you love yourself to a point of total narcissism.

you’re warm and endearing one second and indifferent and aloof the next.

some days we could talk about the universe until sunrise

and other days, a simple smile in my direction from you

is too much to expect.

you confuse me in every fucking way possible, but one thing is clear to me:

despite the absolute train wreck you are, 

i am irrevocably and totally in love with you, and i don’t know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me when i said that nothing was gonna be connected BUT THIS CHAPTER AND THE NET ONE WILL BE. IN A WAY


	16. paradox.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello,,,,,, the end of last chapter and this one connect :flushed: so sorry that this is so short i just wanted to get something up.

i am nagito komaeda, and i am a paradox. 

i want to be happy, but i think of things that make me sad. 

i'm lazy, yet i am ambitious. 

i don't like myself, but i also love who i am. 

i say i don't care, but i really do. 

i crave attention so badly, yet i reject it as soon as it comes my way. 

i am a conflicted contradiction. 

if i can't figure myself out there is no way anyone else has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im sorry im finally out of the hospital haha and ive also not been in an entirely good mental space, but yk how it be. i read all of your comments and i love them all and they make me feel a lot better. thank you so much.
> 
> p.s.,,,, send me writing prompts for dr, bnha, etc. or just drop a fandom and writing prompt and i'll see what i can do


	17. !!!

shit, hi. it has definitely been a while. if any of you care to read this i will be trying my hardest to do something about my absence. i'm live with an emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive mom and it hasn't been easy for me these past few months- especially since i've started school again. i have learning disabilities and she's putting all my problems to the side even after i've asked for help multiple times. i'm taking an advanced placement class and it's even harder to do without someone by my side. 

if you can't tell, i was a gifted child, so to speak. good grades, good behavior (for the most part), good everything else. a few nights ago she said she "finally wanted to get me the help i need," and has yet to do jack shit about it. i'm being consumed by hatred for myself FROM myself and from others. my mother has also taken away my phone and laptop, leaving me only with my school computer where i can do nothing but work on it. 

plus, september 9th is mine and my significant other's 3 month anniversary, but i've been overthinking everything and thinking they're mad at me although i have not an ounce of proof. 

i'm sorry, i needed to vent and i just pulled up my most recent work praying someone will listen.

dm me on ig @ molly.amorgan (please dont deadname me, call me em or wren) if u wanna chat. i might be able to get back to you, i might not. it depends on what's going on. if you have any content of **kenma kozume** , **aru akise** , **mao nonosoka** , **katsuki bakugo** , **hajime hinata** , **nagito komaeda** , **giyuu tomioka** , **mukuro ikusaba** , **shoto todoroki** , **levi ackerman** , **denki kaminari** , **kurapika** , or **killua zoldyck** and just want to send that and be on your merry way, that's fine too. it'll help even just a bit.

thanks, have a good day/evening/night,

em.

**Author's Note:**

> <3 i love u dont be afraid to reach out.


End file.
